its a dreary Virginia morning.....raining outside...we're supposed to finish moving today, but, are now at a stand still. Oh well--we'll get there....just as the rest of life, slow and steady will get us there. I have to say that I am just blown away with the brave and wonderful comments and feedback that I have gotten here so far....it just is incredible--and I first wanted to thank EVERYONE that commented.....you're words, feelings, opinions, just means alot to me....
So, as far as I'm so proud to have come over my 3 1/2 year journey, I have to admit, that the last week has been a tough one for me. My anxiety is high, the insomnia has returned, and with those two back, my depression and general moodiness is back for a visit.....not really what I wanted in general, but, especially not right now... with SO much on my plate. I don't say any of this for sympathy--I have never been one to want sympathy for this situation....its just life....or life as I have known it. I guess I just had to put it out there....to say it out loud so to speak....I have been on a pretty good med regimen that has really done a fabulous job of managing my symptoms of PTSD...the depression, insomnia (which most times were the worst of all), general and social anxiety, and panic attacks....but--a recent switch from one generic medication to another, has changed all of this....I am trying to work this out, and get back to the awesomeness of where I was, but this is proving to be a challenge with all that is happening right at the moment.
Anxiety has just been SUCH an unwelcome passenger lately--as I mentioned, my husband and I are packing up our life, and moving about 20 miles from where we are living now, to a gorgeous historical home, with our lovely pets. We live in a quaint college town, of about 100,000 or so.....and every N.C. plate I see, I feel my heart jump into my throat...and my chest tighten up--I know LOGICALLY--that it's NOT the man who raped me the last time.....but, it doesn't change the reaction. No matter how much progress I've made, or how much time I've put between then and when I am now, I can't escape it, ......ever. I know that...logically. My heart however.....is a hard one to break the news to. The head and the heart never seem to be on the same page, for some reason.
I consider myself to be a very intelligent and smart woman, who looks out for herself, who is well read, articulate, and takes no bull from anyone....I tell it like it is, give respect where it is deserved, and expect the same in return.....I tend to be very analytical and rational in my reasoning and understanding of the world around me....but--there are some things I can't explain away. Why I KNOW that my attacker isn't in my home town, but why I can't seem to relax in a crowd....why I panic when I see anyone with the same build and similar haircut....and when I have run into him in public....I am pretty sure that nothing will happen, I still loose it completely inside, and later, fully and openly....because I am TERRIFIED...because he is capable of absolutely anything....because he did...everything horrible that is imaginable.
He is why i cut my long, beautiful hair...ultimately why I gained 100 pounds in a year--I never wanted to be beautiful again......he choked me with my own hair....strangled me, beat me, raped me....etc...it got worse.. and I can't forget it, and can't forgive.....I will stay angry for as long as I live....because, I feel like I had already had ONE serving of torture, of rape, and SURVIVED, at just 14 years old....which in and of itself, was unfair....to have to grow up SO young....but, for someone to brutalize someone else again...FOR A SECOND TIME....is just unimaginable....i still sometimes can't wrap my head around it.....
but--here I am...and it's a day at a time....and an hour at a time if you have to....just gotta keep going.... to survive and be happy is the ULTIMATE slap in his face....because I AM HERE.....he did not win....
So, as far as I'm so proud to have come over my 3 1/2 year journey, I have to admit, that the last week has been a tough one for me. My anxiety is high, the insomnia has returned, and with those two back, my depression and general moodiness is back for a visit.....not really what I wanted in general, but, especially not right now... with SO much on my plate. I don't say any of this for sympathy--I have never been one to want sympathy for this situation....its just life....or life as I have known it. I guess I just had to put it out there....to say it out loud so to speak....I have been on a pretty good med regimen that has really done a fabulous job of managing my symptoms of PTSD...the depression, insomnia (which most times were the worst of all), general and social anxiety, and panic attacks....but--a recent switch from one generic medication to another, has changed all of this....I am trying to work this out, and get back to the awesomeness of where I was, but this is proving to be a challenge with all that is happening right at the moment.
Anxiety has just been SUCH an unwelcome passenger lately--as I mentioned, my husband and I are packing up our life, and moving about 20 miles from where we are living now, to a gorgeous historical home, with our lovely pets. We live in a quaint college town, of about 100,000 or so.....and every N.C. plate I see, I feel my heart jump into my throat...and my chest tighten up--I know LOGICALLY--that it's NOT the man who raped me the last time.....but, it doesn't change the reaction. No matter how much progress I've made, or how much time I've put between then and when I am now, I can't escape it, ......ever. I know that...logically. My heart however.....is a hard one to break the news to. The head and the heart never seem to be on the same page, for some reason.
I consider myself to be a very intelligent and smart woman, who looks out for herself, who is well read, articulate, and takes no bull from anyone....I tell it like it is, give respect where it is deserved, and expect the same in return.....I tend to be very analytical and rational in my reasoning and understanding of the world around me....but--there are some things I can't explain away. Why I KNOW that my attacker isn't in my home town, but why I can't seem to relax in a crowd....why I panic when I see anyone with the same build and similar haircut....and when I have run into him in public....I am pretty sure that nothing will happen, I still loose it completely inside, and later, fully and openly....because I am TERRIFIED...because he is capable of absolutely anything....because he did...everything horrible that is imaginable.
He is why i cut my long, beautiful hair...ultimately why I gained 100 pounds in a year--I never wanted to be beautiful again......he choked me with my own hair....strangled me, beat me, raped me....etc...it got worse.. and I can't forget it, and can't forgive.....I will stay angry for as long as I live....because, I feel like I had already had ONE serving of torture, of rape, and SURVIVED, at just 14 years old....which in and of itself, was unfair....to have to grow up SO young....but, for someone to brutalize someone else again...FOR A SECOND TIME....is just unimaginable....i still sometimes can't wrap my head around it.....
but--here I am...and it's a day at a time....and an hour at a time if you have to....just gotta keep going.... to survive and be happy is the ULTIMATE slap in his face....because I AM HERE.....he did not win....
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